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Home > Fanfics > Metal Gear Solid: The Outtakes!

Metal Gear Solid: The Outtakes!
By: Dark Angel (a.k.a. Laura Guy) on January 4, 2002

Snake: Colonel, can you hear me?

Colonel: Loud and clear.

Snake: I can’t believe you shot me out of a torpedo tube!!!

Colonel: Well… We kinda ummm…… (Trails off)

And Snake and the Colonel are just left staring at each other.

Snake’s crawling through a really icky air duct. He’s following some very nice mice who stop and wait for him.

Mouse 1: Stop. Wait. Stop. Wait. Stop. Wait.

Snake: Hmm, these mice are conveniently stopping for me…

Mouse 2: Well duh! What do you think! You wouldn’t know where to go if it wasn’t for us!

Mouse 3: You’d just be wandering around in an air duct for the entire time.

Snake blinks realizing the mice are talking to him. His Codec bleeps.

Master: This is Master Miller.

Snake: No it’s not it’s not! You’re Liquid!

Master: No. Master.

Snake: Liquid…

Master: Master!

Snake: Liquid!

Master: Master!

Snake: Liquid!

Snake hangs up and continues to follow the mice.

Mouse 1: So, like, he’s still following us?

Mouse 3: Well just kinda keep going. He’ll probably get himself killed sooner or later.

Snake: The mice are talking…?

Mouse 2: Oh crap! He’s on to us!!

Mouse 1 sits down and starts to have a conversation with Snake

Mouse 1: Well you see, they didn’t just use gene therapy on the genome soldiers. They’ve made super mice too!

Snake: Oh! I see! (continues to go on amply without caring at all)

Snake kills the DARPA chief. He dances around and then eventually uses his Codec.

Snake: What happened?

Naomi: It looked like a heart attack…

Snake: No it wasn’t! It was FoxDie!

Naomi: How the hell do you know about that?

Snake: Ah ha! I have the script! I also know YOU’RE a spy!

Naomi: Oh… Crap……

There’s a big noise. The cell door miraculously opens by itself. Stupidly, Snake walks out, unaware that it might just be a tiny bit suspicious. Meryl pulls out a FA-MAS and Snake gets out his SOCOM, despite the fact that he never actually picked it up in the first place.

Snake: Where the hell did THIS come from?!

Colonel: If you want to know more about weapons, talk to our military analyst, Natasha. Her frequency is—

Snake: But she’s useless! She doesn’t help at all! She just moans about nukes and stuff!

Snake starts to smoke. 10 minutes later he realises he’s on the verge of death.

Snake: Wha—? What the hell are these? Super Cigarettes?!?!?!?!

Revolver Ocelot is bragging about his Colt Single Action Army.

Ocelot: This is the greatest handgun ever made.

Snake: No it’s not! My SOCOM’s better than yours! Nya Nyaa!

Ocelot: Hey that’s not nice………..

After defeating Revolver Ocelot, the ninja appears and runs at Ocelot to chop off his hand…but he kinda misses and goes careering into the wall………..

Snake points and laughs.

Snake: Haahaaa stoooopid Ninja

Ninja: Oh man how could I miss?! How!

Pyscho Mantis: I will show my psychokinesis power by moving your controller. Put it on the floor, nice and flat. That’s goooood.

Mantis does his mind thing and fails to move the controller.

Snake: Haahaa it’s not rumble!!!

Mantis: Well go buy one. Now NOW!! *Turns to camera* Yes, and makes sure its official Sony. Only the best will do! *Cheesy smile*

Snake: Way to endorse Sony……

Psycho Mantis: I will demostrate my power by reading your mind…………or memory card. Either one’s good for me.

Snake: Go on then……

Mantis again does his mind thing………

Mantis: What the hell is this? Pong? PONG! Who the hell plays Pong anymore!!

Snake: Well I find it’s full of classic goodness!

Mantis: And Carmageddon!! Why oh WHY!!! Why was that ever made into existence!

Snake: ……I like running over zombies…


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